Une

In which a lover takes a new lover.

SAM
Top sirloin.

LIN
Top sirloin. How would you like it cooked?

SAM
Blue.

LIN
Blue?

SAM
Blue.

LIN
...Wow.


SAM
Heh. Thanks.

LIN
You must be brave.

SAM
You know what it is.

LIN
No I was just saying you're brave because.
I thought the color was brave?!
No that's- Not really.
You're a real eater.
I'm excited for you.

ARI
Crazy...

LIN
Sorry. It's essentially. Pretty much.
The chef just sears the steak. On a hot-

ARI
I've heard of it. I would like-

LIN
Oh sorry you wanted to-
(to SAM) your friend wants to order. You threw me off!
(to ARI) yes well yes what CAN I get you? Please.

ARI
Filet mignon. Not blue. I like my steak you know.

LIN                ARI
Well-done?      Dead.

ARI
Medium.
Medium's fine.
And-

SAM
You can try mine if you want.

LIN
I can't get over-.
You're.
Wow.
Blue? This is like an event. It's like a highlight of my waiting career.

ARI
Server's hitting on you, Sam.

LIN
No! I. You don't even know, the chef, oh man. They'll go nuts back there.
You may have to get your picture taken.

SAM
Aw.

ARI
This is my birthday you know.

SAM
Right, so I'm-

LIN
Oh really?
Is that why you're ordering blue?

SAM
Well this is a special occasion restaurant.
Can't get blue at Outback.

LIN
Oh Jesus they'd freak on you.

ARI
You were speaking in an accent before this happened and could I get steak-frites.

LIN
Steak-frites.
(to SAM) Where have you had it before?

SAM
Uh, just-

LIN
I'm annoying you. You threw me. Wow.
(to someone offstage) SHERR! Wait. Nevermind. You'll find out.
Just wait, Sam. It was Sam? You're going to get a round of applause.

SAM
I'd.

LIN
Is this an anniversary dinner?
I can get you a special-

ARI           LIN
Birthday.     Birthday.

LIN
I remember.
(to ARI) You will get a special dessert.

SAM
You don't have to give us this attention.

LIN
You're telling your server not to give you attention.
Should I- I'll come to your table blindfolded. And chained, wha-a-a-a.
I mean.
My tip is included my friend.
It's not. Grubbing. I'm not worried.
If this is a romantic occasion, you can get a better table.

ARI
It's romance alright.

LIN
I can-

ARI
We're hungry.

LIN
Oh God.
(to SAM) Told you.
I'll go-
(to SAM) Threw my rhythm.
I'll go put the order in. Sommelier will be here too.

(LIN leaves.)

ARI
Well.

SAM
Americans.

ARI
What was it? "Lin?"
Lucky Lin likes Sam's special steak. Blue makes Lin see pink.

SAM
Pink?

ARI
...Hearts?

SAM
Why are you jealous?
I'm just embarassed.

ARI
Your type...

SAM
I've been there.

ARI
Reminds me of-

SAM
If you say-

ARI
No-

SAM
Esme was one-of-a-thank-god-kind.

ARI
Still.
Similar. Flowery. Flighty. Dumb. Gorgeous.
Lin WAS hitting on you.

SAM
I guess.

ARI
I saw the look in your eyes. Come on.

SAM
The look of embarrassment.
Old couple over there is distinctly unimpressed.

ARI
Tell me though.
If it wasn't me.

SAM
What, who?
Esme?

ARI
Uh no.
By yourself.
Or your work circle.

SAM
What.

ARI
You'd be warm tonight.

SAM
...I told you.

ARI
Do you think Lin here is the.
The.
Marry-me now type.

SAM
Like Esme.

ARI
The-

(Enter SOMMELIER.)

SOMMELIER
Bonsoir, mes amies honorees. I have heard.
The chef, adventurous child, the chef has never served blue to-
Someone so young.
I have-

ARI
How old is Lin?

SOMMELIER
Who? Ah.
Euhh.
Why?

ARI
Same age as Sam here?

SOMMELIER
Sure.
For blue I must-

ARI
Maybe 30?

SOMMELIER
Does the guest have Lin's attention?

SAM
Just throwing off rhythms.

ARI
Lin ready to go, do you think?

SAM
Ar...

ARI
Trying to help.

SOMMELIER
Might I recommend.
No rather I must insist-
I have already brought from the cellar. In the anticipation.
For blue, the red...

ARI
Looks lovely. Is Lin single?

SOMMELIER
This would.
Ah.
I would like just to suggest-

ARI
I think that's a yes.
Sam?
(to SOMMELIER) You'd say no if Lin was married.

SAM
Ari stop.
I mean it.

ARI
No you don't.

SOMMELIER
I think I see.
You are being the jealous lover.
I assure you a happy meal. Especially with-

ARI
No.

SOMMELIER
The guest would prefer other-

ARI
No no-

SAM
Ignore Ari. The wine is fine.
We trust your choice in-
Ari is not Being The Jealous Lover.

SOMMELIER
Ah.

SAM
I mean.

ARI
Being The Jealous Sibling. Possessing The.
Trying to help, really.

SOMMELIER
Ah.
(pause)
I will return apres le appertif. It will not be long-

ARI
Cause it's blue.

SOMMELIER
Ah. Yes.
Bien!

(SOMMELIER exits.)

SAM
I'm not fucking going home with the help, Ari.

ARI
It would be a birthday present to see you happy.

SAM
You're ruining your own special day.

ARI
I'm.
I'm not.

SAM
Yes. All I did was.
Sit here.

ARI
I'm.
Well see it's been such a tough time with Esme.
You need to. Relax. Enjoy yourself.
Get out there.

SAM
This is getting-

ARI
Not the same.

SAM
...I'm.
Maybe I'm thinking you'd maybe like to take Lin home yourself.

ARI
...Sam!

SAM
I'll take the Sommelier.

ARI
Please.

SAM
I can make the transfer.

ARI
What? You-

SAM
Aren't I the expert?

ARI
Right.

SAM
ProNympho. Sam the Sex MBA.

ARI
Jesus.
But.

SAM
But I'm out of the game?

ARI
I mean.
I don't play that game.
I don't play THAT game [indicating LIN].

SAM
Try it. Siblings share.

ARI
Gross.

SAM
It's just sex.

ARI
To you!

(Pause.)

SAM
I swear to you, Ari.
I gave it up.
I'm back now. Full time.

(Ari doesn't respond.)

SAM
Ar.

ARI
Don't make promises.

SAM
I can keep it.

ARI
I didn't say don't make promises you can't keep. I said don't.
In general.

SAM
Well then I'm informing you. I'm done.
Family first.

ARI
If you w-.
Sure.

SAM
Just saying.

ARI
Sure.

(Pause.)

(Sam takes Ari's hand. Ari smacks it away, but not in a mean way. Ari looks off, Sam watches Ari.)

SAM
Wait, are you still blushing?
Over the-?
I was joking.

ARI
It's the appertif.

SAM
Bullshit.
You really. Thought I was suggesting.
...I mean I COULD.

ARI
Sam!

SAM
Would you say you're attracted?

ARI
Sam!

SAM
What was the last time you had sex?

ARI
If you fucking continue this- Line of questioning-
I'm leaving.

SAM
I-!

ARI
Leaving.

(SAM stares at ARI.)

ARI
Was this the present?

SAM
Lin?

ARI
NO!
(indicating the restaurant) Here.

SAM
That you're paying for?

ARI
I mean. You knew about it.

SAM
No. Prior... knowledge doesn't count as a present.

ARI
Oh.

SAM
Your present is a custom cell cover with a vomiting rooster on it.

ARI
Oh.
Oh!

(Ari smiles, delighted.)

SAM
Thought so.

(Enter LIN and the CHEF. The CHEF holds a raw steak and a hot frying pan.)

LIN
Told you told you told you told you.

CHEF
My hand to shake.
(Sam reaches out and is encountered by the steak)
AH-ha-ha! No, because it is your steak. My darling friend.
ATTENTION! ANNOUNCEMENT. Ladies and gentlemen. This is how a steak is done.

(The CHEF drops the steak on the pan. It sears. Then flips it in the air. The other side sears. LIN holds out a plate with a tiny arugula salad on it. The CHEF deposits the steak on the plate. Applause from offstage.)

(LIN turns to put it in front of SAM.)

LIN
(seductively) You ready for this?

SAM
Oh God no! It was never for me.
Actually.
(pause)
It's for Ari here.

(LIN turns to ARI with surprise, then puts the plate in front of ARI. LIN hands over silverware. The CHEF waits in anticipation.)

ARI
(whispering to SAM) A-1?

(SAM kicks ARI.)

ARI
Joking.
(taking up the silverware)
Bonne chance, Ari.

(ARI eats a bite.)

LIN
(arm on ARI's shoulder) How do you feel?

(ARI swallows.)

(Pause. ARI looks at LIN's hand.)

ARI
Raw.

CHEF
Ah-ha-ha-ha!
AND?

ARI
Pleased!

CHEF
EXCELLENT!

(The CHEF calls for more applause and exits.)

(ARI takes another bite. While ARI is looking down, SAM discreetly hands LIN a note. LIN looks at it, looks at ARI, looks at SAM, looks around, then discreetly folds the paper a certain way and returns it to SAM, who quickly examines it. ARI looks up. SAM smiles. LIN walks away quickly, clearly bashful.)

(ARI pushes the steak halfway across the table.)

ARI
Share.

(SAM takes a fork.)

SAM
Share.

(They both stab the steak.)

(End of play.)