Sept

In which a lover from the previous piece is seen with a new lover.

Une Histoire des affaires de Phoebe Tobiason
(A History of the Affairs of Phoebe Tobiason)

Presented Out of Order

Play the Home Game! Try and Place the Affairs in Order. For Bonus Points, assign the correct age (or age range) to each affair. Yes, there are right answers.

LA HISTOIRE

Phoebe Tobiason is born, and at some point, all of the following happens.



Age ? Phoebe, while over at her neighbor Sasha Samoyan's house, ends up playing doctor with him.

Age ? Phoebe has intercourse for the last time on this Earth.

Age ? Phoebe goes to Homecoming with Jimmy Oliver, although they do not make out. She spends the night with Malachi North-Smith instead.

Age ? Phoebe gets hot and heavy with a dancer who goes by the name "Sunshine" at a bachelorette party, which she excuses by claiming a "dry spell."

Age ?-? Phoebe spends a lot of time with Zacharias DeTempe, though it's not what everyone thinks.

Age ? Phoebe plays spin the bottle and kisses Thom Franks and Ariella Westin, and is tasked with enveloping Marcus Milani in her cleavage. She later allows the bottle to be intentionally stopped so she can make out with Jimmy Oliver.

Age ? Phoebe divorces Ibrahim Bibbi. She immediately tracks down Jai Emmerwhite and has sex with him.

Age ? Phoebe has a second serious relationship with Malachi North-Smith.

Age ? Bradley Armstrong proposes. Phoebe declines.

Age ? Phoebe is dared to kiss Ed Williams, who tells her to close her eyes, and then substitutes Shawn Curier, who proceeds to make out with Phoebe for a solid minute.

Age ? Phoebe plays drunken spin the bottle, kisses Dave Tyler, and then passes out.

Age ? Phoebe goes out on two lovely dates with Eric Hommell, kisses him a few times, but it doesn't lead anywhere.

Age ? Phoebe goes to homecoming with her cousin as friends; his best friend Michael Paige accompanies them with his date Sheila Smithee. Sheila kisses Phoebe on the dance floor. Later, after Sheila disappears, Michael Paige takes Phoebe home and she loses her virginity to him. Her cousin, meanwhile, gets stranded at the dance.

Age ? Phoebe goes to Homecoming with Jimmy Oliver, and satisfyingly makes out with him in the back of the limo.

Age ? Phoebe meets Sergio "Engine" Walkyre, and has sex with him four times in two days.

Age ?-? Phoebe goes on nineteen dates with eighteen people via a dating service. The one who manages two dates is Steve Song, because he gets sick in the middle of the first one and they reschedule.

Age ? Phoebe plays spin the bottle and kisses Benjy Harris, Jimmy Oliver, and, in the third most awkward kiss of her life, her best friend Walter Kropotkin.

Age ? Phoebe goes on a mostly uneventful date with Ibrahim Bibbi, though they do add each other on their social networking sites afterwards.

Age ?-? Phoebe has a very casual, simple and earth-shatteringly sexual relationship with Deane Leon, a woman twelve years Phoebe's senior.

Age ? Phoebe goes on her first date ever with Leshaun Derrick Harmon. He tries to kiss her, but she refuses.

Age ? Phoebe goes on a very unsatisfying date with Bobby "Bug" Elmquist, which ends in Bobby attempting to get her to consume large amounts of alcohol, which ends with her pouring it down his pants, which becomes her favorite story to tell for years to come.

Age ? Phoebe goes on a few dates with Chara Powers, and spends the night with her a couple times, but it doesn't lead anywhere.

Age ? Phoebe kisses bowler-hatted Erin Chapeau at a party.

Age ? Phoebe, who looks young for her age, flirts heavily with Jaylen Wilson, who looks old for his age, and who also happens to be Phoebe's daughter's on-again-off-again boyfriend. Upon discovering the truth a few minutes later, Phoebe swears off flirtation and assumes singlehood for years.

Age ? Phoebe calls Jai Emmerwhite and has sex with him a couple times.

Age ? Phoebe kisses her roommate Charlotte Perkins. Charlotte ends up moving to a different dorm.

Age ? After Walter Kropotkin's funeral, Phoebe sleeps with his older brother Zach in a mostly platonic way, save for some lingering kisses. They barely speak, but it is nice. They approach sex, but his Aunt Amalia slips and falls and everyone has to go visit her in the hospital to talk her out of suing.

Age ? Phoebe looks up during a sexual encounter with John Levitt, sees a cow chewing cud as it watches her, and assumes LSD.

Age ? Phoebe decides to be wild, strips down, and enters a hot tub with E.V. James, who proceeds to tell her all about how 9/11 was faked.

Age ? Phoebe slaps Greg Hardesty, who slaps her back, and then they kiss.

Age ? Phoebe accidentally prevents consummating a brief and complex relationship with Leah Troy due to the confluence of a bad Internet connection and an out-of-tune piano.

Age ? Phoebe goes to Homecoming with Jimmy Oliver, and nearly throws up on him when he makes out with her after eating crawfish earlier in the night, to which she is allergic.

Age ?-? Phoebe has her first serious relationship with Malachi North-Smith.

Age ? Phoebe goes on a date with Aidan Kander, but he rejects her.

Age ? Phoebe plays a game of spin the bottle and kisses Erica Walter, Seth Smith, Heather Hoff, Micah Rubin, Leslie Zimmerman, spanks Dave Keith, and spends seven minutes in the closet with six different young women all named Sarah.

Age ? Phoebe attempts to communicate how she has fallen in love with the inherently lovable and oddly named Cerick Mouse by holding his hand and kissing his earlobe frequently, but he seems oblivious.

Age ? Phoebe possibly has sex with Erin Chapeau and the sultry Karen Naughton, depending on your interpretation of quantum theory.

Age ? Phoebe goes out briefly with Jimmy Oliver.

Age ?-? Phoebe has a casual relationship with Tosha Crown, because they're both there.

Age ? Phoebe has a brief torrid relationship with Jai Emmerwhite before Jai flies south for the winter.

Age ?-? Phoebe meets the decidedly unamusing Bradley Armstrong, who she nevertheless is moved to date and later discuss marriage with.

Age ? Phoebe has sex with Malachi North-Smith this one time.

Age ? Phoebe breaks her leg and is unable to even masturbate without severe pain for several months. Several dear friends comfort her with TLC, although none contribute any kisses, to Phoebe's consternation.

Age ? Phoebe goes to prom with her best friend Viva Pomodoro, and though everyone is convinced otherwise, does nothing with her.

Age ? For reasons Phoebe never knows, her best friend Walter Kropotkin's older brother Zach kisses her and then silently walks away. They never exchange another communication more complex than "pass the salt" until the day of Walter's funeral.

Age ? Phoebe half-heartedly accepts oral sex from James Ollu.

Age ?-? Phoebe marries Ibrahim Bibbi, but keeps her own last name, because, seriously, "Phoebe Bibbi?"

Age ? Phoebe walks in on Hitomi O'Hare and Martin Canyon having sex in her bed, but it doesn't end the way she hoped.

Age ? After very intentionally spilling borscht all over her clothes, Thomas Mewes convinces Phoebe to undress in front of him, and then to allow him to dry her off and shower her, and to her perpetual bewilderment, subsequently redresses her and sends her on her way.

Age ? With Jan Park, Phoebe experiences anal penetration for the first time when the bed breaks.

Age ? Phoebe has a third serious relationship with Malachi North-Smith.

Age ? In a dream, Phoebe has wild sex with Jan Park, Erin Chapeau, Dan Heath, Jimmy Oliver, and Johnny Depp, and decides this counts. Nobody argues with her.

Age ? Phoebe goes to her first wedding as an adult, held in Scotland by her on-again-off-again rival/friend Karen Naughton, and ends up extending her stay by spending two and a third glorious days in a small town in the highlands with, somewhat improbably, Joost Van Niekirk and Goitsemedime Stotter, a South African couple.

Age ? Phoebe reunites with her college roommate Charlotte Perkins, who allows a long evening on the couch kissing, and then never sees her again, although they exchange some form of correspondence at least once a month for the rest of their lives.

Age ?-? Phoebe has a serious relationship with Meredith Wales, which only ends because they realize it can't last forever.


Some point after all of the previous happened, Phoebe Tobiason dies.

FIN