Huit

In which a lover from the previous piece is seen with a new lover.

(The bedroom in a nice hotel suite. SHELLY sits up suddenly from under the covers. It is morning. It is the early 90s.)

SHELLY
What.
What.
Oh my God.

(She looks around. Quiet.)

SHELLY
(very shyly) Hello...
(pause)
Time...

(She looks at a clock. She looks around. She gets up and starts getting dressed, but collapses after a moment because she has a hangover.)

SHELLY
I'm in so much trouble.

(Enter JOHNNY DEPP.)

DEPP
...Breakfast?



(He exits then returns with a plate of breakfast and a glass of water.)

DEPP
Here.

SHELLY
You're really Johnny Depp.

(He looks down at and touches his self in feigned shock.)

DEPP
(with disgust) Oh God you're right.
Well at the moment I'm the chef. Drink water.

(Shelly drinks water. Her hand is shaking. He takes the water from her.)

DEPP
Hold on.

(He leaves and comes back with a straw in the water.)

DEPP
Here, Shelly.

SHELLY
Oh my God.
I'm a groupie.

DEPP
You're a Shelly. Shelly.
Don't go telling me you're a blackout drunk.

SHELLY
Oh no. No. Brownouts. Slight surges.

(Depp ruffles her hair. She reacts as if he was rubbing egg yolk in. He politely stops.)

SHELLY
I'm a. What I am is a fearless drunk.

DEPP
(teasing) No!

SHELLY
Sobriety equals fear.

DEPP
Then what you need, Shelly, is hair of the dog. A little, you know, liquid courage. Just a little, stop the shaking.

(He starts preparing a small drink from the minibar.)

SHELLY
Oh- No-

DEPP
Barely a splash, I.
(holding up his hands) I promise. Still be able to drive home.

SHELLY
I can-
I'm good to drive now.
(to herself) If my car's not a pumpkin.

DEPP
You're not supposed to leave yet. That would be rude.

SHELLY
When am I... supposed to leave?

DEPP
Well.
Let's see if I recall.
...No I can't recall. But I do recall the distinct impression that you were... unfettered. Today. Possibly the whole weekend.

SHELLY
Yes. It's a vacation.
I said "Dinner at 6:30 tomorrow-" today- "with my uncle, but I can cancel, and completely" I said "'liberated' the whole weekend after that."

DEPP
(i.e., impressive that you can remember so specifically) And you have a hangover.
Liberated. That's good. That's a good word.

SHELLY
I try uh.
To use good words.

DEPP
You do. Better than me. Than I.
I'm liberated too. Brie had already cleared this weekend for me, excepting the 'thing' Sunday morning, but. (he dismisses the 'thing' with a wave of the hand)
Have a taste.

(She tastes the drink he prepared. It could practically be fruit juice.)

DEPP
Right?

SHELLY
Oh... God.

(She drinks it all. Then she attacks the plate of food.)

SHELLY
You're so wonderful. I mean this is such a sweetheart treatment.

DEPP
Nonsense. I'm just trying to woo you back into bed.

SHELLY
(offhand) Yea cause you'd need to do so much wooing.

DEPP
I don't know what you mean.

SHELLY
(still absorbed in the plate) Oh right. Right. Cause you have the. Reinforcement thing.

DEPP
(smiling) What's that?

SHELLY
(still absorbed) The. Poisoning your own well. Don't let people tell you you're the most unearthly gorgeous creature without denying it. Else you might y'know believe it and then-
(looking up suddenly) Oh Jesus.

DEPP
No please.

SHELLY
I.

DEPP
And just a splash of rum too.

SHELLY
This is a. Oh. Uh.
Help.
I need to.

DEPP
You're much lovelier when you're. Yourself. Stop panicking.

SHELLY
No. I need to go. I'm not pa- okay I am a little.

DEPP
Breathe. That's important.

SHELLY
I'm I'm breathing.

(Depp sits by her and does the hand-on-the-chest this-is-how-you-breathe thing, demonstrating on his chest with one hand and placing the other on hers. Inhale, exhale.)

(After a moment of this, Shelly kisses him. They kiss for a moment.)

DEPP
See. Breathing.

(Shelly starts crying.)

DEPP
Oh. Woah oh oh. Tell me why you're crying.

SHELLY
I can't. NO really I can't.

DEPP
Tell me again what you said last night.

SHELLY
Which uh. Part.

DEPP
The part about being fearless.

SHELLY
Fearless? "Fearless."
Oh. Oh oh.

(Depp waits.)

SHELLY
"Screw you Mr. Johnny Depp. If you think I'm gonna be afraid-" hold on.

(She stands up and, although still half-crying, tries to re-enact her drunken speech from the night before, complete with imaginary sips of a drink.)

SHELLY
"If you think I'm gonna be afraid of you cause you're a millionaire actor playboy-"
(portraying Depp) "I take offense at that."
(portraying herself) "What?! Playboy?"
(portraying Depp) "Actor."
(portraying herself) "Oh I see what you're doing. Trying to act like you're not afraid of me. But just because you're rich, famous, talented and might I add a modern-day Adonis in this girl's opinion doesn't mean I'm not going to tell you if I think you're being arrogant."
(portrarying Depp) "I try-"
(portraying herself) "Don't interrupt me. My point is you may think otherwise, but if at any point in this evening you think I am treating you like a celebrity, you are wrong. You sir, are nothing more or less than a human being to me. I am not afraid of you or to admit that, nay I am fearless! And to conclude and append, no human being buys me more than two drinks in a row without me buying the third round, so! What are you drinking?"

(Depp claps.)

DEPP
You're on my next picture.

(Shelly resumes crying, harder.)

DEPP
Fearless. Fearless.

SHELLY
I'm afraid - I have to go.

DEPP
You really don't. Scout's honor.
-Unless you have to- Your uncle or something.

SHELLY
No- Well- But no- No. Not, not obligations.

DEPP
No- uh.
Um.
(letting her know, i.e. no paparazzi) Nobody knows you're here.

SHELLY
No- Oh uh.

DEPP
I mean, except present company.

(Shelly looks towards the door to the kitchen/rest of the suite.)

SHELLY
Right.
...That's why I should go now, before it's too late.

DEPP
Too late for what?
I'm going to be honest. I was hoping we could spend that unencumbered weekend, Shelly. I'm going to say that. As a-
-As an-
Admirer. I say that. I'm not afraid to. Nobody should. Neither should you.

SHELLY
...You're such a...

DEPP
If you say sweetheart I'll-
(he makes pretend to slap her)

SHELLY
Sweetheart.

(He raises his slapping hand, then slaps himself.)

DEPP
Look what you made me do.

(Shelly laughs.)

SHELLY
But you can't pretend this is a good idea, even if-

DEPP
If what?

SHELLY
-all the... known complications... were... not there.

DEPP
Like.
(looking around with mock secrecy) Brie.

SHELLY
Brie!
...Hey uh is she... gone?

(Enter BRIE, in her underwear and looking tousled.)

BRIE
You two call? Ring ring Brie?
Oh hey she's up! Breakfast in bed, lucky! What did you think of the- he's a nummy cook, too, isn't he, oh my god!
(she throws herself on Depp, who non-reacts)
What is this, more to drink? God naughty. Now I have to catch u-up.
(she goes to the minibar)
Cheat cheat. Not fair. Start without me.
(she returns to the bed with a bottle of something, takes a swig)
Morning sex is the third-best.
(she kisses Depp)
...Afternoon sex is second-best.
(she kisses Shelly)

(Long pause.)

BRIE
...Midnight sex is first-best.

DEPP
Ah.

BRIE
But really better than all of them is not even knowing the time of day which with these SUPER power curtains is like totally possible.
(she leaps over to the thick curtains, opens them, blinding Depp and Shelly, then closes them)
Oh eegh sorry. Over-excited for the decor heyyy. Well.

(She strips off part of her clothing and lays out between the other two.)

(After a too-long awkward moment, Shelly gives Brie a brief kiss and a pat on the head, then sighs.)

SHELLY
Brie-

BRIE
Oh do you have to go, Shelly?

SHELLY
I-

DEPP
No. We were just uh convincing her otherwise.

BRIE
Don't force her. Although she is pretty.
(leaning in to Depp) We can get another.

DEPP
That's a very cruel thing to say.

BRIE
...I.
Well I didn't mean "another Shelly" Shelly is one-of-a-fucking-kind! And so beautiful.

(Brie kisses Shelly's forehead. Shelly briefly looks at Brie's body, then looks at Depp. Depp laughs to himself for Shelly's sake.)

DEPP
Mm. Yes true.

BRIE
I just meant. "Playmate." "Friend." If. Poor Shelly has to make bye-byes.

DEPP
Well that's complicated.

BRIE
Oh?

SHELLY
No.

BRIE
It's not?

SHELLY
No. No "no." I mean, no "it's not." -No, "it's not" is incorrect, meaning- Fuck. What I mean is I DO have to get out of here.

DEPP
This instant? 6:30 is not. Until 6:30.

BRIE
Don't be pushy Johnny.

SHELLY
Bye Brie.

(Shelly gives Brie a kiss. Brie makes this one curt.)

DEPP
Is there any reason you couldn't wait twenty minutes, you know?

SHELLY
Besides the pointlessness?

BRIE
Oh it wouldn't be pointlessness that's like plenty.
(she is suddenly sultry towards Shelly again) Make it twenty.

SHELLY
No really.

BRIE
No really.

DEPP
No- uh. What was the second part.

BRIE
Really.

DEPP
"R-"

BRIE
Really.

DEPP
Really.

SHELLY
...Fine. God...

(Brie leans in to kiss Shelly while simultaneously starting to undress her.)

DEPP
Brie.

BRIE
Hmm.

DEPP
Alone.

BRIE
...Huh.

DEPP
The idea is for.
I'd like to say goodbye to Shelly, before she goes.

BRIE
For twenty minutes.

DEPP
Well put it his way, if it takes less, you know, then we can-. But I wouldn't want to start off by... revisiting last night, and kill the twenty minutes. It's a matter of. Order.

BRIE
Well say goodbye.

DEPP
Alone.

BRIE
Why? Wha-

DEPP
I have words I'd like to say to her in private.

SHELLY
Uh.

BRIE
Bu-

DEPP
Brie. Go wait in the suite. It's not mean, it's just fair.

(Brie begrudgingly grabs her clothes, and the bottle.)

BRIE
You two better not start without me.
(she slaps her own butt) You'll miss this.

(She catwalks out the door.)

(Pause.)

DEPP
I blame River for her. But indirectly, she's his-. He would nev-. Uh. Erm. My point is.
I take that back, no one's to "blame." She's I think. Clinging to a. Bad. Match. That's all. Forget I said that. No I insist.

SHELLY
She's really pretty...

(Depp considers this statement coming from Shelly.)

SHELLY
...Are you going to try and talk me into staying.

DEPP
Nope. Clearly you are. Having to go.
But I am going to tell you why I would like you to you know stick around. For a bit. And I am going to ask the question why you feel the need to leave. And since I'm. Well I'm planning on being honest - we'll see how that goes - so I'd be- I would like- The honest truth would be amazing to hear.

SHELLY
...Not so sure about that but go on.

DEPP
You're a lovely human being. I know I've only known you um
(counts on his fingers) sixteen hours but it feels like at least eighteen.
What I'm saying is I do feel like you are someone who if I continued to know you better and I'd only like you more. Which is a nice thing and I'd like to do that. I don't even care if we never repeat last night; I'd just like a friend.

SHELLY
I-

DEPP
Wait. -Sorry. I just want to say the other thing. The other thing is that people seem to think I'm some sort of celebrity or something.

SHELLY
I-

DEPP
I know you don't. I know what you said. But. Uh. Hold on this is complicated let me make sure I say this right. I think... although you don't think of me like... Brie seems to... that you're still you know aware of my... status, and you're afraid that the um the practical side of that means you can't be friends with me. But this isn't the middle ages, I'm not a king who can't be seen with- I'll be friends with who I want, fuck the... doubt.

SHELLY
I-
Oh are you done.

DEPP
Ah yes I give you permission to speak.

SHELLY
You are famous.

DEPP
It happens.

SHELLY
I'm not.

DEPP
In my universe you would be.

SHELLY
Uh-
Maybe it would work.

DEPP
It's not like persons with celebrity are only friends with each other you know. It would just be like being friends with someone who lives on the other side of the country. You make phone calls, you visit, you send letters, handwritten letters, which I think are a lost art.

SHELLY
That- all sounds great.

DEPP
You're not seeming convinced.

SHELLY
I-
(pause)
There's- I mean all that was true and I feel better about the... prospect of... but- In a way that makes me feel worse because... I can't argue except...

DEPP
What?

SHELLY
To tell you.

DEPP
What do you have to tell me. Just tell me, Shelly. I promise it's fine. Unless you're wearing a wire in which case pa-pow!
(he gives her a pretend one-two punch)
Heh.

SHELLY
...Can't I just make this one of those perfect albeit drunken evenings and say adieu auf Weidersehen trust me it's better this way?

DEPP
I think I would hate that.
I think I'd like to know. Even if it is a wire. I won't really pa-pow. I'd just like to know. You know? You know you know. You know? You know! Youuu knooow.

SHELLY
Stoop.

(Depp kisses her cheek.)

DEPP
You don't like me do you.

SHELLY
Oh hell no I like you a lot. I mean honestly, I never even saw 22 Jump Street.

DEPP
21.

SHELLY
See.

DEPP
Oh fuck it's probably 22. I don't know I'm sure I've never seen it either.

(They laugh a little. Depp kisses her cheek again, then her other one, then her lips. They kiss more. She moans.)

DEPP
Sorry I'm not letting you speak.

SHELLY
Ah uh.

(More kissing. She moans again, but this one suddenly changes into an "oh no!" kind of sound.)

SHELLY
No no no no no no no, Johnny, I- I- I- Mr. Depp I- Oh shit. Shit shit I I I I'mmm

DEPP
What?

SHELLY
Seventeen!

(Pause.)

DEPP
...Feet tall?

SHELLY
Years old. Ohhhhhh...!

(Pause.)

DEPP
Ah.

BRIE
I KNEW IT!

(Enter Brie.)

BRIE
I knew it! Well okay I didn't know it-

DEPP
Brie-

BRIE
Actually I didn't know it at all I thought you were older than me and I'm twenty-two but oh my god Jesus I had a threesome with a seventeen year old I'm a freaking grave-robber! Cradle-robber. Cradle-robber. I know what it is. But it might as well be a grave because oh my god Johnny we're in so much trouble.

SHELLY
The age of consent is sixteen!

BRIE
What?

SHELLY
The-age-of-consent-is-sixteen-in-this-state-you're-not-in-trouble-it's-just-I.

BRIE
...What?

DEPP
It's not a legal problem she's saying.

BRIE
Well it's still a gross problem!

DEPP
Brie go wait-

BRIE
No don't push me around just cause you're Mr. Big Shot-

DEPP
Brie.

BRIE
Hey! We need to throw her out we need to to disguise her! Disguise her. Pretend she was never- Oh we are fucked.

DEPP
What "we."

BRIE
We (indicating her and Depp) we.

DEPP
Pardon me if I always thought it took a mutual agreement to be a we.

BRIE
Well "we"'re here aren't "we"!

DEPP
Yes. Three of us.

BRIE
"We" TWO are the ones in trouble because of this ONE! Trouble is ours Johnny whether you like it or not.

(Shelly has been backing towards her clothes.)

SHELLY
There's no. No trouble I'll just go.

DEPP
Wait.

SHELLY
Are you going to touch me now?

DEPP
Um.

BRIE
I hope not. God I need a shower. But FIRST we have to get rid of her!
And Johnny there is too a "we" you fucker. After the past three days?
Get dressed get dressed! Oh but turn around I don't want to see ugh.

(Depp sits down and rubs his head.)

SHELLY
I'm really sorry. I should've told you.

BRIE
Your damn right.

DEPP
She meant me.

SHELLY
I meant both of you.

BRIE
Yeah see.

SHELLY
We were all here, Johnny.

DEPP
I reserve the right to feel differently about different people. Treat everyone equally but-

BRIE
That's not fair.

DEPP
-Treat everyone fairly but- You treat me differently, so.
-No forget that. Forget it all.

BRIE
Differently how.

SHELLY
Do I need a keything for the elevator?

DEPP
Wait Shelly.

BRIE
She probably has a curfew.
How did you even get in?

DEPP
Fake ID.

BRIE
Oh holy shit. Oh no oh no.
Were you? Oh no. A virgin?

SHELLY
No!

DEPP
No.

BRIE
Thank God.

DEPP
Brie please. Just. Please!
Shelly. I was saying, we could be friends-

BRIE
Don't tell her that.

DEPP
I'll tell her what I-

BRIE
Well that's mean.

DEPP
It's only mean if I don't mean it.
Yes you do need the elevator key.

SHELLY
No I don't.

DEPP
If you try to leave I'll call the desk and have them detain you.

SHELLY and BRIE
Johnny!

BRIE
You can't mean you'll be-

DEPP
Don't. Ah.
Don't tell me what I can or can't mean, Brianna.

BRIE
Do you honestly think you can be friends with her?

DEPP
Yes-

BRIE
I mean well hey heyyyy even I'm not that unrealistic like I'm all here and I'm not thinking like oh maybe I'll be friends with him now.
(to Shelly) Do you even think that?

SHELLY
...No.

BRIE
See.

DEPP
This wouldn't be happening if-.

BRIE
What?

SHELLY
You're not really going to stop me going, are you?

DEPP
Well I think we should finish this conversation don't you?

BRIE
It's two against one I think it's pretty-

DEPP
This isn't a fucking democracy decision!

BRIE
Well you won't listen to reason!

DEPP
Reason?! I-
(pause; he grits his teeth)
You know what fine. How foolish of me.

SHELLY
Johnny.

DEPP
No Shelly, it's wrong of me to try and keep you. Never let it be said that, you know, Johnny D-E-P-P tried to force his way on. On someone.
I'll call you a cab.

BRIE
Thank God.

DEPP
I'll call both of you a cab.

BRIE
You just said-

DEPP
Well it's a double-edged sword. You can't force your way on me. Weekend's over.

BRIE
You said your schedule's free for me till-

DEPP
I have friends to see.

(Shelly goes to the phone and quietly calls for a cab.)

BRIE
But there was more I-

DEPP
Like what?

BRIE
I-
Uh-
More pictures-

DEPP
Try the grocery aisle.

BRIE
And a-
I had this whole plan for a special goodbye-

DEPP
Goodbye.

BRIE
Hey this isn't fair I'm not the lying sneaking one here. I knew what this was.

DEPP
And what was it?

BRIE
A. You know a. A.
(pause)
What's it called.
(pause)
A solar eclipse?

DEPP
That doesn't even make sense.

SHELLY
I think it does. Good phrase.
Cab'll be ready by the time we get downstairs.

BRIE
Johnny-

(Depp goes to the window and opens the curtains. Light comes in.)

SHELLY
Ow.

DEPP
Sorry.
(looking out the window) I need to make some changes.

SHELLY
Come on Brie.

BRIE
I-.
Fine Jesus. What's the difference.
I can't find my bra, Johnny but I think you should keep it as a souvenir anyways.

(She goes to kiss him. He half-heartedly responds.)

BRIE
Well whatever, kiss him too, Shelly.

(Pause. No one moves. Shelly turns and leaves.)

DEPP
(to himself) Stupid.

BRIE
Oh-
Well she's gone.

(Depp shoots her a look.)

BRIE
Fine fine geez.
(trying one more time, coming up to him) Thanks for the great experience I'll treasure it forever.

(Depp doesn't respond. Brie sighs and leaves.)

(A spotlight comes up, representing the elevator. Shelly stands inside.)

BRIE
Hold on wait!

(Shelly presses the door open button. Brie runs in breathless.)

BRIE
Thanks Shelly.

SHELLY
Yeah.

(Depp gets on the bed and sits cross-legged and tries to breathe meditatively.)

BRIE
You know you're not so bad. I freaked out a little but you know. You're like a little kid but not that little I guess anyways you understand.

SHELLY
Yeah.

(Brie puts her arm around Shelly.)

BRIE
Come on, cheer up! Wasn't that awesome we fucking fucked Johnny fucking Depp. Don't tell me all your friends aren't going to all jealous like "Oh my Goooood!" Did you take pictures? otherwise no one will believe you trust me I hooked up with Jordan Knight but didn't get any real evidence except this sock which nobody-

SHELLY
Brie.

BRIE
Yeah? Huh.

SHELLY
I'm not telling anyone about it.

BRIE
What?
But-
Are you crazy?

(Depp gives up trying to meditate. He paces around the room disturbed for a minute.)

SHELLY
It's. Rectitude.

BRIE
Huh?

SHELLY
Justice. In fact I think I need to sacrifice my ID.

BRIE
Girl you're crazy. I know it sucks but you have to look on the-

SHELLY
Brie! Stop. We aren't friends.

BRIE
Well we're something.

SHELLY
We're.
Hotel guests.

(The elevator dings. Depp goes to the minibar and uncorks a bottle and starts drinking from it. Shelly and Brie exit the elevator.)

BRIE
Girl listen to me I'm trying to help.

DEPP
(to himself) Right. "Honest." Right.

SHELLY
I'll get my own cab. Probably not going the same direction anyways.

BRIE
Wait hold on!

(Brie digs in her purse. Depp discards the bottle. He sits on the bed and slowly wraps himself in the covers.)

BRIE
(handing over some polaroids) From the party.

(Shelly looks at them.)

SHELLY
...I can't.

(She hands them back and exits. Depp has completely wrapped himself in the blankets.)

(End of play.)