Dix

In which a lover from the previous piece is seen with a new lover.

An extended preview for a new romantic comedy, in which all of the information is given away so you don't have to watch the actual movie

SOUND: Jaunty music

NARRATION: Edie Barr thought she had it all figured out.

IMAGE: Edie and Stephen, snuggling on the couch with wine and candles

EDIE: So I was thinking. Let's get married.

Stephen looks at her. She looks at him.

NARRATION: In love with a wonderful man.

STEPHEN: Now why'd you go and say that.

Edie gives a frightened look.

Stephen produces a ring box.

STEPHEN: You beat me to the punch!

Edie looks relieved! They kiss.

NARRATION: Who loved her back.

SOUND: The music turns romantic, although still in a jaunty way.

EDIE: (seducitvely) Well let me make it up to you.

She starts to pull him to her by his collar, seductively, but not erotically.

CHILD'S VOICE: GROSS!

IMAGE: A small boy, Walter, holding a blanket and a stuffed rabbit.


SOUND: The romantic music coming to a surprised halt.

WALTER: Mr. Snuggles had a nightmare.

IMAGE: Stephen and Edie laugh and pull Walter up onto the couch lovingly.

IMAGE: Edie at a restaurant table.

SOUND: The music becomes jaunty again.

EDIE: Oh my god you have to see his kid, Walter is the cutest thing since Internet videos of kittens.

IMAGE: The rest of the table, where three of Edie's girlfriends all laugh knowingly at her joke.

NARRATION: Yes, everything seemed set for Edie's life to fall into place.

IMAGE: Edie and Stephen announcing their engagement to the restaurant. A banner behind them reads "Congratulations Edie and Stephen!" They have just announced it. Camera flashes are going off, and Edie is showing her diamond ring to someone.

IMAGE: Edie at the restaurant table.

EDIE: It's like my life is falling into place. I mean, he's gorgeous. He's a surfer. I always wanted a kid, and who could ask for cuter than Walter?

IMAGE: Her friends nodding in agreement at the cuteness.

IMAGE: Edie.

EDIE: (conspiratorally) And this way I don't even have to get pregnant.

IMAGE: Her friends laughing in agreement.

CARLA: (visibly pregnant) Oh God you don't even know.

The friends laugh.

EDIE: And besides. Just look at him.

IMAGE: Stephen at the bar. He is laughing with some other guy at the bar, his mouth full of pretzels.

STEPHEN: Oh what am I, what am I.

He pours beer in his mouth on top of the food. It foams back out.

STEPHEN: A keg! Get it?

SOUND: Screeching tires noise.

IMAGE: The girlfriends all looking at him in disgust.

IMAGE: Edie looking at him sighing with love.

IMAGE: The girlfriends looking at each other.

JULIE: Oh no we have got to do something about this.

CARLA: Oh my god yeah we do. What?

JEN: You're her number one gal, Julie. You tell her.

Louis sits at the table. He is flaming.

LOUIS: Sorry I'm late girls, there was this smelly homeless man on the bus and I tried to spray him with Binaca to make him smell better, but it didn't work, so I had to switch buses. What did I miss?

Pause. The girlfriends all stare at him.

IMAGE: Later, elsewhere in the restaurant.

LOUIS: I don't know girls, they look so happy together.

JULIE: Didn't you and she say that if you weren't married at age 35 you'd marry each other? Well sweep her away, Louis!

LOUIS: Honey, that was about 20 years B.F.E.

CARLA: What?

LOUIS: Before the Fabulous Era. Besides you know how much she wants to have a kid and I ain't helping her with that, no offense, little Louie doesn't go there.

JULIE: Well then. We'll just have to come up with something else.

IMAGE: Edie sitting on a park bench, feeding pigeons for no particularly explicable reason, but there she is.

NARRATION: Little did Edie know things were going to get complicated.

A shadow passes in front of Edie and all the pigeons scatter. Edie looks up slowly.

SOUND: Suspenseful music. An engine growling.

IMAGE: Edie's POV. A very attractive man on a motorcycle is taking off his sunglasses.

BRIAN: Hey Edie. Miss me?

IMAGE: Julie, Jen, Carla and Louis around an old yearbook, in which a picture of Brian Benson is centrally located.

JULIE: (triumphantly) Brian Benson.

The four conspirators all give each other high-fives. When Carla and Louis high-five, they both hurt their hands and go, "Ow."

NARRATION: A LOT more complicated.

IMAGE: Edie at a museum, carrying Walter, Stephen beside her.

STEPHEN: Who was that guy?

EDIE: An old friend from high school. I haven't

IMAGE: Edie and Brian next to his bike.

EDIE VOICEOVER: seen him in ten years.

EDIE (IN THE SCENE WITH BRIAN): So where have you been?

BRIAN: Well first I was in Sudan, photographing the war for Time. Then I was in Thailand, studying

IMAGE: Brian in a Buddhist temple, praying with Buddhist monks, one of whom hits a gong for some reason.

BRIAN (VOICEOVER): with some nice Buddhist monks, and then I traveled to

IMAGE: Brian in mountainclimbing gear, climbing a mountain.

BRIAN (VOICEOVER): the Swiss Alps - the Matterhorn had beaten me once before, and I had to conquer it-

IMAGE: Brian on top of a mountain (a.k.a. the Matterhorn) planting a flag and raising his arms in a victory pose

BRIAN (VOICEOVER): and while I was in the area

IMAGE: Brian in a Renaissance library, delivering a lecture in academic robes to the applause of old spectacled professors

BRIAN (VOICEOVER): I stopped at the University in Rome and finished my double Master's in biochemistry and epistemology, and then I

IMAGE: The original scene, Edie and Brian by the bike.

BRIAN: came back to motor across America on my chopper here. And then I ran into this vision from the past. My high school sweetheart!

Edie blushes. Brian laughs, then inhales.

BRIAN: So you single or what.

Edie makes a face.

IMAGE: Stephen looking at an abstract painting, maybe a famous Picasso that everyone recognizes, and twisting his head around, obviously perplexed by it.

EDIE (VOICEOVER FROM THE NEXT SCENE): Well I had to tell him!

IMAGE: Edie, holding Walter, looking at Stephen. It is as if she has never realized how dumb he is before now. She is a little taken aback.

EDIE (VOICEOVER FROM THE NEXT SCENE): But I don't know. I was looking at Stephen the other day, and, well...

IMAGE: Edie at an outdoor cafe.

EDIE: He's kinda dumb.

IMAGE: Julie, Jen and Carla sitting at the other side of the table, giving each other conspiratorial looks.

IMAGE: The same, except a little bit later in the conversation.

JULIE: Well, girl, I say go for it.

CARLA: Yeah go for it.

JEN: He's the one that got away.

JULIE: Plus, damn. I mean, DAMN! That man's face is like chocolate cake with chocolate mousse.

IMAGE: Edie.

EDIE: Well you take him then.

IMAGE: Edie, about three seconds later in the conversation.

EDIE: But I love Walter so much. I mean even if I could leave Stephen, I could never abandon little Walter.

IMAGE: Walter dressed like Max from Where the Wild Things Are, except slightly different, like maybe it's blue and has fluffy paws, so it's not the exact copyrighted image. He and Edie laugh as Walter chases her in circles around a coffee table.

IMAGE: Edie at the cafe.

EDIE: I just don't know what to do.

IMAGE: The girlfriends. It's zoomed into Carla's face like she just finished some tearful monologue. She is tearful.

CARLA: Follow your heart.

IMAGE: Edie and Brian on his bike.

SOUND: Suspensefuly romantically jaunty rising music.

Edie and Brian lean in for the kiss. They kiss.

IMAGE: Edie banging her head against a potted plant. Julie rushes in to stop her.

EDIE: Bad bad bad.

JULIE: Edie Edie E-

IMAGE: Edie throwing a bunch of flower petals into the air.

NARRATION: And just when you think things can't get any worse.

IMAGE: Edie at a diner with the girlfriends.

EDIE: I think Brian's the one.

NARRATION: Life gives you lemons.

IMAGE: Edie and Brian walking in the park, next to his bike. A bunch of small schoolchildren run by. Edie is delighted. One rosy-cheeked huge-eyed bashful little girl pauses and reaches up to hand Edie and Brian a lollipop.

GIRL: Wowwipop?

Edie makes an "aw that's SO CUTE!" face and starts to take it, but Brian swipes and knocks the lollipop away.

BRIAN: No we don't want your processed sugar candy, silly brat. Go run tell your Mommy if she's going to give you sugar keep you in the playpen till you're twenty!
(to Edie) God I hate children.

SOUND: Screeching tires noise.

Edie looks at him in horror.

SOUND: Music gets nervy yet still jaunty.

IMAGE: Edie at a coffeshop with the girlfriends.

EDIE: This is horrible.

JEN: Men.

CAROL: We have to do something. Right?

JULIE: You can't lose this one.

IMAGE: Stephen walking out of his front door with a suitcase and a surfboard.

NARRATION: And then sometimes, those lemons turn into lemonade.

STEPHEN: Take good care of Walter while I'm away, honey!

IMAGE: Walter looking up cutely at Edie.

IMAGE: Edie looking down at Walter, then getting an idea lightbulb.

IMAGE: Brian opening his front door, to reveal Edie and Walter there.

BRIAN: Oh no. No no no no.

WALTER: Look what I got! Zooom!

Walter pulls out a toy motorcycle and starts flying it around.

IMAGE: Brian's face, the glacier melting a little.

IMAGE: Brian demonstrating climbing a mountain with Walter playing along.

BRIAN: Only a hundred more feet to base camp!

EDIE (VOICEOVER FROM NEXT SCENE): I think it's working.

IMAGE: Edie at a pool bar with the girlfriends and Louis.

JULIE: I told you he's a softie underneath.

CAROL: Are you going to steal Walter and marry Brian?

LOUIS: No, she and Brian are going to reproduce and make perfect little angel-babies of their own.

EDIE: Well. That's the plan! Now that

IMAGE: Edie and Brian on his couch. Walter is asleep in a cute little ball with a puppy. Edie and Brian kiss.

EDIE (VOICEOVER FROM LAST SCENE): he's warming up to the idea of children.

IMAGE: Brian carrying Edie into the bedroom.

IMAGE: Brian starting to undo Edie's blouse. Edie stops him

EDIE: Woah woah. Not till I'm married.

NARRATION: And sometimes the lemonade turns out to be really bad lemonade.

BRIAN: ...Marrying you wasn't part of the bargain.

SOUND: Screeching tires noise.

EDIE: What?

IMAGE: Julie and Brian in the living room.

EDIE (OFFSCREEN): What are you saying?

IMAGE: Edie in the living room next to them, looking flabbergasted.

JULIE (OFFSCREEN): Who cares if Brian doesn't marry you! The idea is to get you away from that dumb oaf Stephen!

EDIE: You told him he'd get me in the sack if he pretended to like children!

IMAGE: Julie and Brian.

BRIAN: I really hate kids.

IMAGE: Edie.

EDIE: What did you think would happen? That Brian's sex would be so amazing I'd never go back to Stephen?

IMAGE: Julie and Brian.

JULIE: Yes.

IMAGE: Edie.

EDIE: Nice try, but I saw it in high school.

IMAGE: Julie looking at an embarrassed-looking Brian.

SOUND: Deflating balloon.

IMAGE: Edie in Stephen's house with Walter and the puppy. Edie looks expectant and excited.

IMAGE: The front door. Stephen enters.

IMAGE: Edie happy to see him.

WALTER: Daddy!

IMAGE: The front door. Brie enters behind Stephen.

IMAGE: Edie suddenly frowning.

WALTER: Mommy!

IMAGE: The front door. Walter jumps up on Brie. Stephen gives a guilty shrug to Edie.

SOUND: Balloon screeching, car tires deflating.

IMAGE: Edie at a Burger King with Jen, Carol and Louis.

EDIE: Dammit!

Jen, Carol and Louis offer comforting pats on her hand and shoulder.

SOUND: A pop song from the mid 1990s.

NARRATION: From the folks who brought you My Best Friend's Girl and The Wedding Caterer.

IMAGE: Julie and Brian looking intensely at each other, and then making out suddenly.

NARRATION: A story

IMAGE: Walter peering in cute disbelief over a huge pile of pancakes.

NARRATION: (said as if the previous image made the narrator want to giggle) about looking for love

IMAGE: Louis, Edie, Jen and Carol doing the cabbage patch on a table in a strip club.

IMAGE: Edie laughing with a forkful of food in her mouth.

IMAGE: Stephen wearing a goofy hat that says "World's Best Dad."

IMAGE: Brian playing wicked awesome air guitar.

NARRATION: in all the wrong places

IMAGE: Edie lying in bed looking dreamy.

EDIE (VOICEOVER): Sometimes love makes us crazy.

IMAGE: Edie, teary-eyed, throwing herself into the arms of either Stephen or Brian or Louis, it's impossible to tell.

NARRATION: and still somehow ending up

IMAGE: Wedding bells

SOUND: Wedding bells

IMAGE: A minister, a bishop and a rabbi all at a wedding.

SOUND: brief silence

IMAGE: Three couples getting married: Julie and Brian, Stephen and Brie, and Edie and Louis.

IMAGE: Little Walter in a little tux holding up a little velveteen pillow with three pairs of wedding rings on it.

IMAGE: The wedding audience.

SOUND: The wedding audience laughing.

SOUND: The pop song resumes.

NARRATION: right where you belong.

IMAGE: The three brides all throwing bouquets into the air.

IMAGE: Final preview credits, the title of the movie, "in theaters Month Day Year," etc.

Then the added-on post-credit teaser:

IMAGE: Edie and Louis, dressed and made up as a woman, seemingly caught off guard by someone off-screen.

The following is rapid-fire.

EDIE: My cousin.

LOUIS: Her aunt.

EDIE: My aunt's cousin.

LOUIS: All of the above!

EDIE: We're from West Virginia.

LOUIS: "Aunt Cousin"

EDIE: "Lisa."

LOUIS: "Louise."

EDIE: I call her Lisa.

LOUIS: Lisa Louise McGillicutty Vanderbilt at your service. How would you like some green pea soup?

They both make faces feigning normalcy.

IMAGE: The person they are caught off-guard by, some fussy-looking old lady in bifocals and a big funny hat holding a clipboard, looking boggled.

IMAGE: The puppy barking cutely at the camera, wearing Groucho Marx glasses.

THE END