Quinze

In which a lover from the previous piece is seen with a new lover.

(A bunch of GUYS and GALS at a club or a bar. Enter DARLA, dressed as a man.)

DARLA
Oh shit. This is really happeniiiing you're really doiiiing thiiiiis.
(singsonging) La la la laaa da daaa.
(she laughs at herself, then makes a serious face and claps her hands together)
Man up.

(Darla goes to the bar.)

DARLA
What's on tap.

FEMALE BARTENDER
Sam Adams, Yuengling, MGD, Heineken...

DARLA
Give me a Heiney, sugar.

FEMALE BARTENDER
Holy crap you're a girl.


DARLA
What? Nooo.

FEMALE BARTENDER
Yes you are oh my god! Heart attack. Look at you!
What what what are you like undercover?

DARLA
I guess not.

FEMALE BARTENDER
Sorry. But no man has ever said "give me a Heiney, sugar."
Wow look at you.
Are you a lesbian or something?

DARLA
No.

FEMALE BARTENDER
Then why you doing this?

DARLA
I.

FEMALE BARTENDER
Huh?

DARLA
...I'm just kind of retarded.

FEMALE BARTENDER
No you wanna know what's retarded, your guy impresion, that's what's retarded. You've gotta be less of a girl, girl.

DARLA
I don't go to clubs like this.

FEMALE BARTENDER
All guys are the same! Try acting like a guy you know.

DARLA
...Acting. I don't know. Last time I acted it ended in tears.

FEMALE BARTENDER
Come on-
What's your name?

DARLA
Damien.

FEMALE BARTENDER
What are you trying to be a gay British man.
Try... Derek. Derek.
But I meant yours.

DARLA
Oh.
"Derek. I Am Der. Ek."
Uh, Darla.

AMY
Hi Darla I mean
(louder) Derek
(quieter) I'm Amy.
I don't know why I whispered my name there!
But hey hey listen Darla. Your costume is amazing, like I actually thought you were cute for a second - oh but no that's not why I asked if you were a - I just mean don't like let it go to waste, you know? Bring home some bacon, like, some field research for the girls, you've made it this far. This could be like scientific breakthrough, or entertainment for one more friggin' night here, or uh you know! a magazine article! Vogue or or something. At least. Wait is that why you're doing this, are you wri-

DARLA
No I'm a. An event planner.

AMY
Well this is an event! You have to find out What Do Guys Think. Use your powers! What Will They Say. What Goes On In Their Peanut Brains. Like why do only the dumb ones ever hit on the bartender. Where do they hide their hard-ons when they're dancing, I don't know how you'll figure that one out without seeming gay or having a penis of your own. Oh and if a girl actually no really approached them not like "I want your sex" but "I want to date you" would they really actually like it or-.
And ask some of the cute ones if they think the bartender's bangable will ya.

DARLA
Uh sure yes ma'am.

(Darla does a soldier's salute spontaneously.)

AMY
Ha nice!
Great now order a fucking Heineken. Or Cap'n on the rocks.

DARLA
Uh. Ahem.
Lemme get-

AMY
Just say the drink.

DARLA
K.
(she looks around)
Red Bull and vodka.

AMY
Holy fuck! Oh maaan you rock my world.
(another customer hails her) Hold the fuck on!
Your drink, sir. Would you like to start a tab?

DARLA
Yeah.

(Darla hands over her driver's license.)

AMY
Uh-huh, aaand what were you gonna do if I thought you were a guy, Miss Darla Angela Benz of 718 Bronze Club Drive?
Go kick some ass.

(Amy turns away.)

(Darla looks away from the encounter, momentarily flustered, then sees the crowd and stiffens up. She takes her drink and swigs it.)

(She looks at Amy, who is occupied.)

(Darla walks over to a young woman sitting alone.)

DARLA
Hey.

(The woman looks the other way and sips her drink.)

DARLA
You look lonely.

(The woman takes out her cellphone.)

DARLA
Don't do that. I'm not hitting on you. I just thought - I know how it feels like. I sometimes think the places with the most people are sometimes the lonel-
(the woman puts her ear to her cellphone and walks off)
-iest-okay. Uh. What. Really.
(pause)
Yeah.
Duh.

(Darla stands up and looks around. Two women are talking on one side; one momentarily sees Darla and smiles at her.)

DARLA
Yep.
Zoom.

(As Darla walks past Amy, Amy smiles at her. Darla spontaneously gives Amy a pretend-punch-you-on-the-arm gesture. Amy gives a thumbs up and continues on.)

(Darla approaches the two women.)

WINKING WOMAN
Hi.

DARLA
Hey. I like your shoes.

OTHER WOMAN
Are you gay?

DARLA
No.

WINKING WOMAN
Shh that was sweet.

DARLA
I mean.
I don't even know what those are called. But I know you put in a lot of work into choosing them and matching them to your dress and I thought you did a good job so I thought I'd let you know. You know.

OTHER WOMAN
What website did you get this from?

WINKING WOMAN
Charlene!

DARLA
Um uh. Are you saying this isn't what women want to hear?

CHARLENE
Have you ever picked up a woman before?

DARLA
Yes lots. But not. At. I. Usually they're friends.

CHARLENE
What, you just tired of jacking it and decided you wanted a one-night stand or something?

WINKING WOMAN
Stop being mean. Sorry Charlene can be such a bitch.

CHARLENE
I am not! Am I?

DARLA
Uh.
Yes.

CHARLENE
No I was trying to help! He really is sweet so I was trying to help him. Like dispense advice. I mean next thing we know he's going to do a magic trick.

DARLA
(putting something back in her pocket quickly) No.

WINKING WOMAN
Magic?

CHARLENE
Mel. You weren't going to take him home were you?

(Mel makes a noncommital face and watches for Darla's response.)

DARLA
Oh uh right.
God this is so crazy.
Yes I was trying to pick you up; but that's because I uh saw you and
And
What can I say baby you made me h-
Uh attracted.
So I had to talk to you. And you know sue me if I'm not good at it but I mean if I came over and said "heaven must be missing an angel" you would prob-

MEL
Awww.

CHARLENE
Ohhhh great I can see my smelly taxi ride already.

DARLA
Well wait. Wait, really? I didn't-

MEL
You have really pretty eyes. I want your boylashes.

(Charlene is stomping her foot in annoyance off to one side.)

DARLA
Good genes.

MEL
Jeans?
Oh oh my god I- I thought you were talking about like pants It's loud in here.

CHARLENE
Mel. Mel.

MEL
What!
Come on I can't hear you let's-

CHARLENE
Mel I'm fixing my mascara 'k.

MEL
Wh- Cha-
(Mel glares at Charlene, then smiles sweetly at Darla, then glares at Charlene and walks off with her toward the bathroom, but with a parting shot:)
Don't go anywhere.

(Mel and Charlene exit.)

(Darla goes to the bar and drops her head on it. Amy comes over.)

AMY
Was it me or were you just getting hit on by two hotties?

DARLA
I'm scared to go back out there.
I don't know my own species.
Gender.
Species!
What am I doing here?!

AMY
I'll get you another one of these on the house alright.

DARLA
No no I need to keep all of my wits on me. No drunky no. Bad.

AMY
It'll make you more like a guy.

DARLA
It's just a bigger shinier quarter on my nose isn't this. Next time I'll be joining the circus.

AMY
What?

DARLA
Make it a double.

(Elsewhere in the bar, the woman who was sitting alone before. Shevaun enters and they greet each other ecstatically.)

WOMAN SITTING ALONE
Shevaun!

SHEVAUN
So what do you think Rach?

RACH
You are. So. Fucking. Hot.
You said you'd be a new woman. I barely believe it.

SHEVAUN
Oh thank god. I was scared I'd gone overboard.

RACH
No. No, when it comes to men, there is no such thing as overboard.

SHEVAUN
I was hoping.
So - this place.

RACH
God I hate it. I've been hit on like twelve times since-
But hey that's good for you! The guys are horny and you're like a big sexy bullseye.

SHEVAUN
Oh God can I tell you how scared I am.

RACH
Don't. Don't, babe, you've got this. You are a Venus fucking fly trap.

SHEVAUN
That's kind of what I'm scared of...

RACH
Oh shush. Babe, I support this endeavor. Uh-huh, got it? Fuck all the stupid stupid manboys and their stupid penises and their whiny little whinersons. Instead, just fuck one in the bathroom.

SHEVAUN
I want this. I want this.

RACH
You do.
Now. Take off the coat let me see.

SHEVAUN
"Drumroll."

RACH
Holy shit.
What. The. Wha. You-!
There is no way that is silicone. You stole Tyra Banks' rack.

SHEVAUN
Rach.

RACH
I'm serious there is some woman out there with two holes where her tits should be crying "bring them back! bring them back! I need theeemmm wahhhhh!"
Those are- They're circular. I'm jealous. I'm jealous. That's all. Oh God and feel them. Did I say Venus Fly Trap because I'm pretty sure I meant uh. You know. Venus. Herself. All hail Shevaun de Milo.

SHEVAUN
Rach I love you.

RACH
If I could get away with it I'd check the rest of the improvements but hey. Uh. Well actually if I stuck my hand down your skirt that might just make these guys' day. But. No. It's up to you girlfriend. Find the hunkiest hottest tallest man in this shithole and.

SHEVAUN
Can't I find you know. The nicest. But still hunkiest.

RACH
We are not here for- Because if you wanted that which by the way is the same old shit you've been getting for years, we'd go to the bookstore or the art gallery or the I don't know. John Mayer concert? Help me.

SHEVAUN
If he could be just a little sweet. Yes yes easy and horny and etcetera but just maybe if he could kiss me first, no tongue. That's all I ask. Then he can fuck me right up the ass for all I care really.

RACH
Yeah that's what I like to hear!
(she high-fives Shevaun)
Now give me your coat, shake that ass, and don't let me see you until you've broken the sound barrier.

SHEVAUN
What does that mean?

RACH
GO.

(Rach disappears.)

(Shevaun holds her nose as if taking a plunge into the water and walks into the crowd.)

(Elsewhere, Amy staring at Mel talking to Darla.)

MEL
Oh she's around, somewhere. Charlene doesn't like me to have nice things sometimes.
(looking at Amy) Excuse us.

AMY
Excuse what?

MEL
"Excuse us."

(Darla gives a wide-eyed look to Amy.)

AMY
Do you hmmm... want a drink?

MEL
Oh sure freshen me up.

AMY
You're there already sister.

MEL
(to Darla) So hey.
You were saying something about heaven.

DARLA
Yeah it's a place on earth alright.

(Mel giggles.)

AMY
Derek.
I thought.
You SAID.

MEL
Derek! What a cute name.

(Darla looks at the two of them.)

DARLA
Excuse me for a-
(pause)
I've gotta take a leak.

(Darla exits to the bathrooms. Shevaun is there, waiting. Darla waits behind Shevaun in line. A few moments pass.)

DARLA
I could just leave.

(Shevaun glances at Darla when she speaks, but quickly turns back away. Darla notices she's waiting behind a woman.)

DARLA
Oh crap wrong line.

SHEVAUN
(without looking Darla in the eye) No no no. This is the right one. I'm waiting for someone. A men's. A man. It's the "men's" bathroom so there's a "man" in... it.
(Shevaun shudders at her own messy speech)

(Darla looks at Shevaun. Then looks at the men's bathroom. A TALL MAN comes out of the bathroom and walks right past the two of them, giving Darla a slight nod. Shevaun doesn't react and the guy seems not to know her.)

(After a moment, Shevaun, embarassed, walks off in the other direction without a word.)

DARLA
Hey uh.
...Okay.

(Darla goes in the bathroom.)

(She and the urinal become isolated in spotlights. A long moment passes.)

URINAL
Ahem.

(Darla stares shocked.)

URINAL
(like the dentist telling you to say it) Aaaaaaaahhhhh.

(Darla stares at the "aahh"ing urinal.)

TO BE CONTINUED
...because there's way too much here for me to finish this now.
Stay tuned!