Treize

In which a lover from the previous piece is seen with a new lover.

(Virginia holds up an overripe tomato.)

VIRGINIA
If you could have seen it:
This is what it was like to lose my virginity.

(She smooshes the tomato on her face.)


VIRGINIA
It was kind of vaudeville.
He even had a straw boater.
But there's something I don't understand.

(She does sleight-of-hand magic and transforms the tomato into an apple.)

VIRGINIA
If you could have been me:
This is what it felt like.

(She bites the apple as sensuously and hungrily as Eve in the garden.)

VIRGINIA
Maybe you can tell me.
Be like scientists.

(Enter RONNIE in full vaudeville gear.)

RONNIE
Ha-cha-cha-cha.

VIRGINIA
Let me set the scene.

RONNIE
Welcome welcome welcome to Carnival of Wonders. Price of admission one bottlecap. Come inside, the party's warm. Tough crowd!

VIRGINIA
Ronnie threw a theme party. His roommate was the Strongman and his other roommate had set up a puppet show booth. I didn't have anything better so I came as Raggedy Ann.

RONNIE
Oh well hello "doll." Wokka wokka. Why you're cute as a button. Watch your step, if you get caught on the doorknob you might unravel. Let me guess, Raggedy Andy's out with his drinkin' buddies, the Velveteen Rabbit and Winnie the Pooh. If they can't hold their liquor, they'll really get stuffed. Sheesh. Is it getting hot in here, or am I just pissing down my own leg? Take my life, please.

(Pause.)

(Virginia bursts out into uncontrollable giggles.)

VIRGINIA
We did a Punch and Judy routine in the puppet show booth.

RONNIE
This is my wife!

VIRGINIA
Take the baby!

RONNIE
(You new around here?)

VIRGINIA
(Are you saying you could show me around?)

RONNIE
You'll never catch me copper!

VIRGINIA
Where did he go where did he go.

RONNIE
(I feel like you could show me around.)

VIRGINIA
(I'm as innocent as a newborn.)

RONNIE
Take that!

VIRGINIA
Stop that.

RONNIE
And that!

VIRGINIA
I feel like I need me a lie down.

RONNIE
Here I'll give you a hand. Like that!

VIRGINIA
Ohhhhh!

RONNIE
(How have we never met?)

VIRGINIA
(Is that your pickup line?)

RONNIE
(Hook, line, and sinker.)

VIRGINIA
(Sinker? You don't even know her.)

RONNIE
(I think I'm in love.)

VIRGINIA
(I think you are.)

RONNIE
That's the way to do it! Hahahaha!

VIRGINIA
We went to his room.
Where we took off our clothes.
And the vaudeville continued.

(Ronnie and Virginia juggle tomatoes and apples as they undress each other. Naturally things fall all over the floor and its quite a mess.)

VIRGINIA
You're hairier than I thought.

RONNIE
So are you.

VIRGINIA
Is that why they call this a love handle?

RONNIE
I can stick my tongue inside your bellybutton.

(They do a song-and-dance routine. The one not speaking provides wordless "be-doop, be-doop" backup.)

VIRGINIA
Like a circus clown with asthma
Who would fall into a swoon
Anytime he tried to exhale, he
Couldn't blow up his balloon

RONNIE
Like one of Alice' flamingos
In Wonderland croquet
Her legs were always flying
And always in the wrong place

BOTH HARMONIZING
Like two peas in a pea soup
Like two birds with feathers plucked
We went to bed to get together
But all we got was...

RONNIE
Virginia was all cocked up.

VIRGINIA
And Ronnie was a boob.

RONNIE
The bed was made of elbows.

VIRGINIA
And I was allergic to the lube.

BOTH HARMONIZING
Like a piano with its teeth out.
Like an angel with no harp.
We thought our love would make sweet music
But all the notes were flat.

VIRGINIA
Sharp.

RONNIE
Sharp.

(They close it off with a tap dance except neither of them can tap dance. They are pelted with tomatoes. A cane reaches out and grabs them both off.)

(The cane hovers in the air. The cane-puller follows it out hand-over-hand. He is a sinister fellow, the emcee.)

EMCEE
I'm sorry ladies and gentlemen.
The preceding act was not up to our usual high standards.
If any audience members wish to redeem their tickets for a partial refund for this portion of the evening, please inquire at the box office.
We aim for the utmost in entertainment, the foremost in realism, the hintermost in titillation.
You did not come here looking for a ventriloquist's dummy routine.
This is what happens when we let untested new talent on the stage. All in our neverending search for perfection, for you, ladies and gentlemen.
We promise it will only be the most professional of professionals from here on out. Relax and recline my friends.
What's that, ladies and gentlemen?
You wish to give the young bloods a new chance?
Really.
Something in the water?
Very well.
I will supervise.

(Ronnie and Virginia appear. They are dressed for tango and in tango-ready pose. Virginia holds an apple in her mouth. Ronnie takes it from her mouth with his mouth.)

VIRGINIA
You saw it.
That is what it was like.
The present is the truth.
But now it's in the past.
The past is the lie.
Now be me, and feel:
This is what it felt like.

(Ronnie and Virginia do a sensual, orgasmic tango. As Virginia is being thrown about with abandon, she speaks the following, barely getting out the words due to breathlessness.)

VIRGINIA
We cast a.
We cast.
Stars.
Stones.
Cards.
A magic spell.
Over.
Over the.
Over my.
Over my life.
My life.
I had.
Tomato.
On my.
On my face.
It ran.
Down his chin.
Down his body.
Down my.
Pooled in.
My navel.
But it.
Tastes like.
Like an.
Like a quince.
A strawberry.
A fig.
The sweetest.
Apple.
Oh!

(She collapses and writhes. Ronnie changes places with the Emcee.)

(The Emcee assumes a sexual postion over her. He thrusts. She shakes but doesn't react.)

VIRGINIA
Now here is the part, scientists.
Explain to me why.
Given my deflowering.
Ever since then, every time.
The sex-
as you can see it-
-is like sweet perfumes and myrrh and golden apples.
But the.

(He shakes her hard, disrupting her speech.)

VIRGINIA
But the. The oh.

(He shakes her.)

VIRGINIA
The love.
If you could feel it.
Is like...

(She gets plastered with tomato into her face, most unpleasantly. The Emcee kisses her and leaves.)

VIRGINIA
I think.
Everything I knew. Was wrong.
Yes, Virginia, there is a...
(she sighs)
I miss vaudeville.
They don't make 'em like they used to.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
You are.
Thank you. Good night.

(Blackout. End of play.)